Lost, but Not Forgotten
by Clover64
Summary: We all have our curses. Commander Shepard is forced to deal with hers after a mission gone wrong and gets a little help from Kaidan. Takes place after Virmire [spoilers]. A Shenko[Fem!ShepardxKaidan] oneshot.


"Commander?" Kaidan began as he entered the back room of the medical bay in his search for his commanding officer. Instead of finding Commander Jennie Shepard, however, he was greeted by Liara T'Soni, an Asari scientist and daughter of the late Matriarch Benezia.

Liara turned and looked at him with knowing eyes, as if she'd suspected that he'd show up.

"I am sorry, Lieutenant," said the Asari politely. "But the Commander just left."

"Do you know where to?" he asked.

Liara shook her head. "She didn't say."

Kaidan furrowed his brows. "You spoke to her?"

"Yes," answered Liara. "She seemed rather...distressed, if I may say so. We spoke of many things, regardless."

"What things?"

"Mortality, mainly. She seemed to be interested in my thoughts about what happens to one after they die. I assumed this was all related to Chief Williams death."

The brief mention of Ashley, or Ash as they'd all been fond of calling her, was painful for Kaidan to think about. He couldn't fall asleep at night without being plagued with the last transmission that they'd received from Ashley. She'd sounded so brave, so determined, so _fearless_. When Commander Shepard had decided to go back and rescue him, she'd been forced to leave Ashley to her death. The Gunnery Chief's sacrifice had not been in vain, but it was still difficult to think about. She'd been a damn good soldier and, more than that, a great friend. She would be missed.

It took him a moment to come back to reality. "And what did you tell her?"

"I told her that to we, the Asari, death is simply one step closer to becoming part of the Galaxy on a more intimate level. To some, we become stars after our passing, glittering symbols of peace to the beings of the Galaxy. To others, we go on to live in another Asari's body, providing them with the knowledge and wisdom that we, ourselves, possessed in life. Death means something different to all of my people. To me, it is an inevitable step that we all must take."

Kaidan processed what he'd been told slowly and then asked, "how did she respond to that?"

Liara frowned slightly. "I do not think it brought her the peace that she'd been looking for."

"That doesn't surprise me," Kaidan explained. "She's a soldier, not a philosopher. She wanted solid facts, not possibilities."

"I believe you are correct in your assessment, Lieutenant."

Kaidan nodded. "Well, I'm going to keep looking; the ship's not _that_ big. It shouldn't be that hard to find her but if she comes by--"

"I'll let her know that you are looking for her," Liara finished for him.

"Thanks."

He began to leave but Liara's clear voice stopped him. "Lieutenant!" she called to him. He turned back around. "Perhaps it would be better to leave her be during this time?"

Kaidan was silent, unsure at what the Asari was hinting at. His silence prompted her to continue, and she did so.

"We all have different ways of handing grief. If Commander Shepard wishes to be found, then she will be. If not..."

"I think I've known the Commander longer than you, thanks," he snapped sarcastically.

"I apologize if I offended you, Lieutenant," replied Liara in a calm manner. "That was not my intention."

Kaidan sighed, running a hand through his short black hair. "No, I know. It's just--I've just been a little on edge since...well, since Virmire."

Liara nodded in understanding, sympathizing with him. "I have observed that the entire crew has been acting differently since Virmire. I did not realize how important Chief Williams was to everyone on board the Normandy. But, as I have said, we all have different ways of dealing with grief. It just seems that the Commander has taken her death the hardest. Understandably so."

This, in truth, was why Kaidan was searching for Shepard. After the debrief, which had seemed shorter than usual, the Commander had dismissed everyone and left before anyone could stop her. She'd tried to hide the pain she was feeling, the guilt, but it shown on her face like a Prothean beacon. She was close to Ashley, and having to choose between her Lieutenant and the Gunnery Chief had been one of the most difficult decisions in her life, Kaidan was certain.

"It's not easy to play God," Kaidan told her.

"Excuse me?" The human analogy was lost on the Asari.

Kaidan elaborated. "It means to hold someone's life in their hands, to decide whether they live or die, to make hard decisions knowing full well the consequences."

"I see," she said slowly. "Humanity's analogies are often foreign to me, but I believe I understand your meaning."

"I'm sure you do," he agreed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find Shepard."

Liara nodded. "Good luck. Perhaps you will be able to help her in a way that no one else has."

Uncertain of how to respond to that, or even what the Asari meant by it, Kaidan simply nodded and departed. He traced the corridors of the Alliance vessel, Normandy, until he reached the elevator that would take him to the garage, or docking bay. It was the only place he hadn't looked yet but, in hindsight, it would make perfect sense for Shepard to go there, especially since that was usually where Ashley had spent her time.

The elevator stopped with a gentle shudder at it reached the end of the shaft, and Kaidan stepped from it and took in the garage with one large sweep of his eyes. He immediately noticed two figures, shadowed by the lack of lighting, standing in the foremost left part of the garage. Upon closer inspection, as he approached, Kaidan recognized Garrus's large form and, beside him, Commander Shepard's slender one.

Almost immediately, the tendrils of jealousy snaked around him, but he fought them down. This wasn't about him, or Garrus, or whom was providing comfort to the Commander. This was about Shepard, alone, and if she found her peace of mind in the Turian, then so be it. Kaidan would not take what little sanctuary that Jennie found from her...not in times like these.

As he approached, Garrus turned around while the Commander remained stationary. Kaidan still wasn't used to have aliens on board an Alliance vessel--especially a Turian--so his guard immediately went up as Garrus strode over to him in several long strides, meeting him halfway.

"Alenko," he said in way of greeting.

"Garrus," Kaidan replied in acknowledgement.

His rather avian features seemed to look him over, as if making sure he was capable of speaking to the Commander in her state of vulnerability. That was the one thing that Kaidan respected most about the Turian: his unwavering loyalty and determination. Ever since joining up with the Commander back on the Citadel, Garrus had been fiercely protective of her. They seemed to have a unique sort of relationship that he didn't completely understand, and, therefore, could not envy. When Garrus looked at Commander Jennie Shepard, there was no sign of lust or love, simply adoration and admiration...like a child would look upon their parents.

"You're here to speak with the Commander, I assume." It was a statement, not a question. Garrus, as always, was straight to the point.

"Yes," answered Kaidan. He couldn't help but glance over at Jennie who seemed engrossed in tinkering with some sort of weapon on a workbench. His view, however, was quickly blocked as Garrus stepped closer in front of him, the tension between them escalating for a moment before he spoke.

"She is already in pain, Alenko," said Garrus. "Do not make it worse."

Kaidan stiffened. "Is that a threat, Vakarian?"

"Turians don't make threats, Lieutenant," Garrus responded. "We also aren't ones for warnings, so take advantage of the one I just gave you."

And with that, Garrus strode off to another part of the massive garage, most likely to tinker on the Mako or some such sort. Kaidan watched him leave, immediately relieved at being out of the intimidating Turian's presence. He then returned his attention to the Commander.

"Commander Shepard," he said as he approached.

"Dammit!" Shepard cursed as she fumbled with a shotgun on the workbench. Her eyes immediately shot to Kaidan. "What?"

Kaidan shifted on his feet, uncomfortable beneath the Commander's sharp gaze. "Am I interrupting?"

Shepard shook her head, setting the weapon back on the table. "No, I was just trying to fix this blasted thing, but it's proving more challenging then I had thought." She paused. "Ash was the one who usually fixed everything. I was never good at fixing things--breaking things, yes. I've always been able to break things. Call it my curse."

"You've done a bang-up job so far," Kaidan told her. "With being a Spectre and all. I couldn't think of a better person to represent the human race."

She scoffed. "Unfortunately, the key word there is 'bang-up'."

Kaidan watched her intently, noticed the strong facade she was putting up. Shepard was trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, but he couldn't help but wonder if she was breaking on the inside. Even the strongest mountains could be eroded over time given a number of different circumstances.

"How are you holding up?" he finally asked.

"Fine," she bit out, turning back to her work.

Kaidan stepped closer to her. "I get the feeling that that isn't the case."

"Kaidan, if this is your idea of a pep talk, it needs some definite improvement," Shepard said. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work--"

"I know you blame yourself for what happened on Virmire, with Ash," Kaidan blurted out. He noticed her stiffen some. "But it wasn't your fault."

"Like Hell it wasn't," she retorted angrily, the floodgates seemingly opening up. "I was the commanding officer and she was part of _my_ team. She was _my_ responsibility. And I failed her. It is _my_ failing. So don't bother trying to convince me otherwise, Alenko."

At last, they were at the root of the problem, of the pain. "She chose to go with the other team, Commander. It was her choice to stay behind."

"I should never have let her go," Shepard said, her vehement tone dwindling. There was uncertainty in her voice.

"Ash was always strong-willed," Kaidan told her. "She would've gone anyway."

Jennie looked at him. "You don't know that. You can't know that."

Kaidan stepped even closer to her, now. "Shepard, you had to make a decision. It was a decision that no one should ever have to make, but there was nothing else that could've been done. Hell, if it wasn't for your leadership, none of us would have made it out of there alive."

"I don't like soldiers dying under my command," Shepard growled. "I've lost men before, back on Akuze, and I promised myself--and them--that I'd never let it happen again."

"But it did...and it had nothing to do with you. There's no point in blaming yourself."

"How can you say that?" Jennie asked, incredulity in her eyes. "Ash is dead, Kaidan. Do you think I'd feel better if it was someone else's fault, if--if I had some sort of scapegoat? Because, I wouldn't. Nothing can make this right. Nothing except for Saren at the end of my scope."

She held up the shotgun she'd been working on to illustrate her point. Kaidan didn't even flinch. He placed a hand on the barrel of the weapon and forced her to put it back down gently.

Her facade seemed to crack slightly. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. This is all just really..._difficult_. But I don't have the luxury of time to grieve for Ash...not right now."

Kaidan nodded. "I understand, Commander. Have you contacted her family, yet?"

"No," she said. "I don't know what to say to them."

"Tell them the truth."

"Sometimes, the truth isn't what people want to hear."

"Those are the times they need to hear it the most," Kaidan replied.

There was truth in what he said, and Jennie nodded. She needed to speak with Sarah, Ashley's sister and closest confidante. Jennie knew that Sarah would take this news hard, and feared the pain that it would cause her. But, it had to be done. Kaidan was right...never knowing what had happened to Ashley would be more difficult than knowing that she was dead.

"You're right," she finally conceded.

Kaidan watched as she gathered herself back together, the weakness seemingly being forced to retreat back inside of her hard outer shell.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, sincerely concerned.

She gave him a weak smile. "I'm a survivor, Lieutenant. We all are. We're going to get through this."

"I'm sure it's what Ash would've wanted."

A brief flicker of remorse passed over Jennie's face but she nodded all the same, and it disappeared. "I know."

Just then, Joker came over the com system. "Commander, message from the Council. I'll patch it through as soon as you get back up here."

"Alright, Joker," she replied. "I'll be right there."

She turned back to Kaidan who motioned his head towards the elevator. "Sounds like the Council's waiting for you, Commander. Better not keep them waiting too long."

She agreed and began to walk past him. As she did, she leaned in close and whispered, "thank you, Kaidan."

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a simple thank you. But that was all Kaidan really needed.

And, for the first time since Ash's death, he smiled.


End file.
